Eileen's Talk
I have been asked to speak on habits. The Webster dictionary describes a habit as an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary. Wouldn’t
it be nice to have everything good in our lives run on autopilot? What if chores,
exercise, eating healthy, reading your scriptures, getting to work on time, and
having harmonious relationships all just happened automatically? Life would be so much easier. Yet would we
really be fulfilling the reason why we are here on earth? We are here on earth to be tried and
tested. God’s plan for us is beautiful
and simple. He wants us to have joy and
to become more like Him. God doesn’t
expect us to be perfect, but he does expect each one of us try to
do the best of our ability to be
more like Him and learn and grow from our mistakes. Each time we make a poor choice with painful consequences, that
decision leads to unhappiness—sometimes immediately, sometimes much later.
Likewise, choosing good eventually leads to happiness and helps us become more
like Heavenly Father.
In
order to become the kind of people that God would have us be we need to
cultivate good habits. This is
difficult. The ways of the world often
leads us to distractions that even though they may not be evil, may not utilize
our time in the best way.
Elder
Delbert L. Stapley said: "We are not born into this
world with fixed habits. Neither do we inherit a noble character. Instead, as
children of God, we are given the privilege and opportunity of choosing which
way of life we will follow-which habits we will form. Good habits are not acquired simply by making
good resolves, though the thought must precede the action. Good habits are
developed in the workshop of our daily lives. It is not in the great moments of
test and trial that character is built. That is only when it is displayed. The
habits that direct our lives and form our character are fashioned in the often
uneventful, commonplace routine of life. They are acquired by practice."
--Delbert L. Stapley, "Good Habits Develop Good
Character", Ensign, Nov. 1974, 20
We are responsible for the habits that make or break us -
not the situation, the environment or our family. In this respect, we are the
masters of our fates. We are what we repeatedly do, and become what we pursue.
President Spencer W. Kimball counseled
young people, leaders of youth, and all Church members to take a careful
inventory of their habits. “Change,” he said, “comes by substituting good
habits for less desirable ones.” Then he added, “You mold your character and
future by good thoughts and acts.” (New Era, Sept. 1974, p. 7.)
A favorite saying often quoted by the late
President David O. McKay was “We sow our thoughts, and we reap our actions; we
sow our actions, and we reap our habits; we sow our habits, and we reap our
characters; we sow our characters, and we reap our destiny.” (C. A. Hall, The
Home Book of Quotations, New York: Dodd, Mead & Company, 1935, p. 845.)
There is no deep mystery to mastering habits. We make
them, and we can break them through similar processes. Just as we often don’t realize the habits we
are forming as we eat a few extra calories, come in late to work, or neglect
our children, we can consciously form habits by continuously adhering to a
decisive schedule.
Steve Pavlina, a popular motivational
speaker has suggested the following steps to developing a habit in 30 days:
1) Focus
on one change for thirty days. After
that time it has been sufficiently conditioned to become a habit. Choosing to focus with just one habit at a time you can work on really making it
stick. Multitasking between three or four often means none become habits
2)
Write it down. Don’t leave commitments in your brain.
Write them on paper. This does two things. First, it creates clarity by
defining in specific terms what your change means. Second, it keeps you
committed since it is easy to dismiss a thought, but harder to dismiss a
promise printed in front of you. Elder Healy is very good at this. We have a white board at work that he writes
things down on. He also writes down simple goals on cards after we discuss
them. That way if there are any questions as to what we are doing, he refers
back to the card.
3)
Get a friend – Give a buddy or family member some money with the
condition to return it to you only when you’ve completed thirty days without
fail. Make a public commitment to everyone you know that you’re going to stick
with it. Offer yourself a reward if you make it a month. Reward yourself
somehow when you complete your goal for one month.
4)
Keep it Simple – Your change should involve one or two rules, not a dozen.
Exercising once per day for at least thirty minutes is easier to follow than
exercising Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays with yoga the first day and
mountain biking the third day, except when it is raining in which case you will
do… Simple rules create habits, complex rules create headaches.
5) Consistency is Key – The point of a
habit is that it doesn’t require thought. Variety may be the spice of life, but
it doesn’t create habits. Make sure your habit is as consistent as possible and
is repeated every day for thirty days. This will ensure a new habit is drilled
in, instead of multiple habits loosely conditioned.
6) Experiment – You can’t know
whether a different habit will work until you try it. Mix around with key habits until you find
ones that suit you.
When we first
arrived in Indonesia we had several goals we wanted to reach. They seemed simple enough. We wanted to do daily exercise, scripture
study and daily language study. I knew
this might take some compromising as we have different sleep needs. Elder Healy
has always gotten by on significantly less sleep than me. I have never been an
early riser. During much of our married
life he has traveled, or when he has not been traveling he has gone into the
office early in the morning and exercised at the office gym. I like to get up leisurely and exercise when
my body is used to being up for a while then exercise at that point. Scripture study as a couple has never been
our strong suit. We knew that would have
to change as a missionary couple. Elder Healy suggested that when we came on
our mission we would have scripture study early in the morning. I told him that I hoped he enjoyed himself
and to let me know what he learned.
(Couple missionaries don’t have quite the same rules as young
missionaries). We eventually decided we
would need to work together to reach our goals. While living in a small
apartment, being together 24 hours/day we thought we would have to somehow work
things out. Our first morning in our apartment we woke up startled by the sound
of several mosques broadcasting call to prayer at 4 a.m. Elder Healy continues to wake up at 4 a.m.
and studies Preach My Gospel in Bahasa Indonesia. I try and sleep later. We tried different schedules all that met
with frustrations. If we leave late for
the office, we run into several problems.
We get stuck in traffic, we don’t get our work done, and I get really
cranky. So I think we have finally found a solution. After 10 weeks here, I
have finally gotten in the habit of waking up by 5:30- 6a.m. and
exercising. We leave early for the
office. Elder Healy has compromised with
being willing to leave the office in the evening before everything is
done. That way we do actually get to go
home at night and we don’t have to leave when traffic is at it’s worst. We have scripture study as soon as we get
home from the office. We study the
scriptures in Indonesian and take turns translating verse by verse. We don’t go very fast through the Book of
Mormon, but we are reading the scriptures and getting some language study in at
the same time. It took compromise on both sides, but I think it is working. If you had asked me one year ago if I would be
up that early every day, I would have answered with a resounding NO. Now even
when I try and sleep in, I can’t. I
guess for me being an early riser has become a habit.
Elder Stapley said “Maintaining good personal habits which are pleasing
to our Heavenly Father will strengthen our character, increase our influence
for good, improve our example, bless our loved ones and friends, enrich our
lives, and enable us to accomplish those things that yield true personal
satisfaction and build peace and happiness in our hearts. We will have joy
eternally, possessing a treasure to be much desired and sought after, for the
Lord gives this assurance: “Inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose
their reward.” (D&C
58:28.)
It all starts with a single step—we decide that we can do it.”
Throughout his life,
Heber J. Grant worked diligently to improve himself, believing that “every individual
can improve from day to day. He told the following story about a time in his
youth when he displayed the quality of persistence:
“When I joined a base
ball club, the boys of my own age, and a little older, played in the first
nine, those younger than myself played in the second, and those still younger
in the third, and I played with them. One of the reasons for this was that I
could not throw the ball from one base to the other; another reason was that I
lacked physical strength to run or bat well. When I picked up a ball, the boys
would generally shout, ‘Throw it here, sissy!’ So much fun was engendered on my
account by my youthful companions that I solemnly vowed that I would play baseball
in the nine that would win the championship of the Territory of Utah.
“My mother was keeping
boarders at the time for a living, and I shined their boots until I saved a
dollar, which I invested in a base ball. I spent hours and hours throwing the
ball at a neighbor’s barn, (Edwin D. Woolley’s,) which caused him to refer to
me as the laziest boy in the Thirteenth Ward. Often my arm would ache so that I
could scarcely go to sleep at night. But I kept on practicing, and finally
succeeded in getting into the second nine of our club. Subsequently I joined a
better club, and eventually played in the nine that won the championship of the
Territory. Having thus made good my promise to myself, I retired from the base
ball arena.”
President Heber J.
Grant often quoted the following statement, which is sometimes attributed to
Ralph Waldo Emerson: “That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to
do—not that the nature of the thing is changed, but that our power to do is
increased.”
President Dieter
Utchdorf has said, “The first step to become a disciple of Christ is simply to
try…that which is impossible becomes a habit.”
Remember that whether you think you can or
can’t… you’re right. Remind yourself
that failure is never final. If you are
not successful at first, accept the fact that you have failed, pick yourself up
and begin again. We have our loving Father in Heaven who wants us to succeed.
Our older brother Jesus Christ made it possible for us to repent of our sins
and wrongdoings and start over again. He
loves us. I bear testimony of this.
Sister Healy has talked about habits, some of the good
habits we should strive for and how we might go about doing so. As we develop good habits we see the benefit
of them and it is natural to want to share that with those we love the most –
our children. I would like to address
that subject today. Two years ago in
April general conference, Elder Robert D. Hales spoke on teaching our
children. I will be borrowing
significantly from his address in my talk today.
Recently, we have celebrated Fathers Day and Memorial Day in
the U.S. and I have thought about my parents and grandparents, the good things
they have taught me and the habits they have helped me develop. I hope you don’t mind my mentioning some
those personal examples today.
The Lord revealed to Joseph Smith that we have “an
imperative duty that we owe to all the rising generation” (Doctrine and
Covenants (“D&C”) 123:11). Elder
Hales explained that fulfilling our duty to God regarding teaching our children
about him should entail three distinct steps.
First, we must “lead by example.”
Second, we must “understand our children’s hearts and walk alongside
them on the gospel path.” And third, we
must “teach our children the gospel and prepare them to participate fully in
the Saviors’ church” (Ensign, May 2010).
When I first read Elder Hales’ talk I thought the order of his
three steps interesting and I have come to recognize the wisdom in it. If we as parents don’t live the gospel
principles we are trying to teach our children, they will not take us
seriously. And the better we understand
our children, the more likely we are to be successful in teaching them the
gospel.
Regarding his first point, Elder Hales tells us, “For all of
us, doing our duty to God as parents and leaders begins with leading by example
– consistently and diligently living gospel principles at home. This takes daily determination and diligence.
“For youth, there is no substitute for seeing the gospel
lived in our daily lives. The stripling
warriors did not have to wonder what their parents believed. They said, “
‘We do not doubt our mothers knew it’ “ (Alma
56:47-48). Elder Hales then posed a
question, “Do our children know what we know?”
Do our children see us fulfilling our church callings,
supporting our church leaders, praying to our Father-in-Heaven? Or do they see us failing to keep the Sabbath
day holy, gossiping, or a host of other transgressions? Either way we are teaching them by example.
In both the Old Testament and in the D&C we read about
“visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and
fourth generations” (Ex 20:15, D&C 98:28-30). Because of our children’s propensity to
follow our example and habits, our transgressions can have a detrimental effect
on our posterity for generations. The opposite
is also true and I would like to share with you a few lessons I learned from my
father.
First, my father taught me to work. Exactly how I’m not sure. But through his example and ample
opportunities he provided for practical experience over the years, I not only
learned how to work, but how to like to work.
Somehow he taught me to find joy in work itself not just the reward or
paycheck at the end. Second, he taught
me independence. If I needed a helping
hand, I learned the place to start was at the end of my own two arms. He strongly believed that although you may
pray as if all depends upon God, that you must work as if it all depends upon
you. Third, he taught me to finish what
I started. Whether it was “eat
everything you dish yourself” when I was a child or sticking out years of
difficult French classes in Jr. High and High School, the counsel was the same,
“Finish what you start.” As the oldest
child I watched my father take care of my mother through her almost decade
long, ultimately unsuccessful fight with cancer. I now recognize that opportunities for better
jobs, more money and outside interests passed by him as he took care of my
mother and was thus tied to his work’s health insurance policy. No other insurance company was going to
insure my mother with all of her health problems. He never complained and rarely even commented
on the situation. You finished what you
started, you played the hand you were dealt no matter how bad it was. You never give up, you hang on and endure to
the end.
One of the greatest blessings you fathers can give your
children is to love their mother and show them you love her. Growing up, I knew my father loved me. But I also knew he loved my mother more. He did not allow me or my brothers to forget
that she was his wife first and the love of his life, and we were to treat her
with respect.
About his second point, Elder Hales said, “Besides showing
youth the way by example, we lead them by understanding their hearts and
walking alongside them on the gospel path.
To truly understand their hearts, we must do more than just be in the
same room or attend the same family and church activities. We must plan and take advantage of teaching
moments that make a deep and lasting impression upon their minds and hearts.”
We plan teaching moments when we have FHE, family prayer and
family scripture study, when we sit down together at the dinner table and
discuss the matters of the day. Even
though we plan for teaching moments, the moments when our youth are ready to
hear and learn may not come as frequently as we desire and we must take
advantage of the opportunities when they arise.
Two of my children are adopted from India. We have always been open with them about
their past and told them about how they came to us. While my daughter has shown some interest in
her Indian heritage, my son had, until a couple of years ago shown no interest
at all. It was not until after filling a
mission, marrying and having a child that he asked us one night about his
biological mother and the circumstances around his adoption. At that moment he was open to hearing. We were able to not only answer his questions
but bear our testimonies to him regarding the miraculous events surrounding his
early life and God’s hand in bringing him to us. That was not the first time we had told him
of these events but I think it was the first time he actually heard it.
Elder Hales asks, “Mothers and fathers, as you drive or walk
children to school or their various activities, do you use the time to talk
with them about their hopes and dreams and fears and joys?
“For our interactions with youth to truly touch their
hearts, we have to pay attention to them just as we would pay attention to a
trusted adult colleague or close friend.
Most important is asking them questions, letting them talk, and then
being willing to listen.”
Recently the youth of my home stake had the opportunity to
participate in trek. As a member of the
support staff I was able to observe as the youth were assigned to their various
trek families, most of whom they were previously unfamiliar with. In almost all cases, over the period of just
a few days those youth formed strong bonds with their new Ma’s, Pa’s, brothers
and sisters. Those bonds were forged by
the shared physical struggle of the journey, the conversations along the way,
the sharing of deep feelings and testimony bearing, and witnessing the
sacrifice by others on their behalf.
A major key to building quick relationships on trek was what
I call the “de-teching” of the youth. No
cell phones, no texting, no video games and of course no television. While these modern communication devices may
be great blessings, they can become stumbling blocks to the building of
relationships if allowed to crowd out discussion time with our children.
Elder Hales notes, “It is impossible to overestimate the
influence of parents who understand the hearts of their children. Research shows that during the most important
transitions of life – including those periods when youth are most likely to
drift away from the church – the greatest influence does not come from an
interview with the bishop or some other leader but from the regular, warm,
friendly, caring interaction with parents.”
Grandparents can have a similar influence on youth. From my earliest memories my grandfather was
encouraging me to go on a mission and get a graduate degree from college. He had a love for the gospel of Jesus Christ
and for education, which he desperately wanted me to have also. Without his influence during my youth, I
don’t know if I would have gone on a mission or graduated from college. How much richer has my life been because of
his influence? There is no way to put a
price tag on it. But the greatest gift
or blessing he imparted to me was an introduction to my wife. Both of them were working on Temple Square
and my grandfather was sure he had found the perfect person for me. The problem was that I didn’t feel I needed
any assistance in that area of my life.
After a prolonged extended family disagreement – my mother was on his
side and my grandmother was on mine – I gave in and let him introduce me to
Eileen. Six weeks later we were
engaged. The lesson I learned was that
those who love me and have far more experience than I, just may, once in a
while know what’s better for me than I do.
I used to mow my great grandfather’s lawn when I was a
boy. By that point in his life his eyesight
was bad. At the end of each job, he
would pull out his checkbook. Since he
couldn’t see well he would have me write out the check and then line up the
check properly under the pen in hi hand as he would sign his name to it. Each time as I would write out a check, he
would tell me the same story. It was of
when he was young working at the silver mines around Tintic, Utah. And of how one day he found among the bags of
silver coins a loose coin. He related
his dilemma about keeping it, he could have really used the additional money
and no one would ever know, or he could turn it in and preserve his
integrity. He turned the coin in. At the time I failed to see the connection
between his telling the story while I filled out a check he could not read. As a child I just thought my great
grandfather couldn’t remember he had already told me that story. None-the-less, the lesson stuck.
Some of you may feel that your time of influencing your
posterity is past, that differences in age, energy level and life style between
you and the rising generation are just too great to span. If so, I beg you to reconsider.
When I first met my wife’s paternal grandmother Sarah she
was almost ninety years old. She was
living in a small apartment near the capital building in Utah, the same
apartment that she had lived in for nearly thirty years. Sarah’s life had not been an easy one. Although she described her childhood as
generally happy she was afflicted by life threatening disease and two of her
siblings died in their youth. Unlike
other young women of her day, she did not marry in her late teens or early twenties. She was 28 years old when she married a
widower 19 years her senior. Taking care
of his five children from the first marriage was a challenge. Over the next 12 years she bore five children
and lost one of those within two months of his birth.
Three years into their marriage, Sarah took care of the
large family herself while her husband was gone on a mission for a year. And then five years later accompanied her
husband when he was called to serve as a mission president in Europe.
Three years after returning from the mission to Europe, just
two years after giving birth to her last child, and after only 14 years of marriage,
Sarah’s husband died. It was 1931, in
the midst of the Great Depression and money was scarce. Most of the insurance money they had was used
up paying for medical expenses and burial costs. Sarah lived as a widow for 56 years until she
passed on at age 98.
Although her life appeared quite challenging to me, she was
not one to complain. She found joy in
her family and her membership in the church.
She served in a number of church callings throughout her life and bore
witness of the truth of the gospel to her posterity. She was the perfect example of one who
faithfully endured to the end. Even
though her life experiences were far different than what most of her posterity
were going through, and her mobility was very limited due to her advanced age,
these challenges did not stop her from engaging with her grandchildren and
great grandchildren when the opportunities arose.
For most of Sarah’s life she was surrounded by men in high
church callings. Her father and brother
were apostles. Her husband was the stake
president and a former mission president.
Her father-in-law was also an apostle.
Compared to these great men, one might wonder about her relative
influence on her posterity.
I asked my wife, Eileen, who had the greater influence on
her and her siblings, was it her grandmother or those four men. She said it was her grandmother. I had Eileen ask her father the same question
and his answer was “without a doubt, my mother.” Sisters, never underestimate the influence
you can have on your posterity!
Regarding Elder Hales’ third point, he notes, “An equally
important part of fulfilling our parental duty to God is teaching our children
the gospel and preparing them to participate fully in the Savior’s restored
Church.”
The prophet Nephi addressed this subject saying, “For we
labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to
believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace
that we are saved, after all we can do.
And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we
prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children
may know to what source they must look for a remission of their sins.” (2 Nephi 25: 23, 26)
Elder Hales went on to say, “It is our imperative duty to
help youth understand and believe the gospel in a deeply personal way. We can teach them to walk in the light, but
that light cannot be borrowed. They must
earn it for themselves. They must obtain
their own light of testimony directly from the source of spiritual light – God
Himself – through prayer and study and pondering. They must understand who they are and who
Heavenly Father wants them to become.
So, how do we help them?
“In these perilous times it is not enough for our youth to
merely know. They must do. Wholehearted participation in ordinances,
quorums and auxiliaries, inspired programs, and fortifying activities helps
youth put on the whole armor of God. To
truly choose the Lord’s way, they must know His way. And to truly know his way, we must teach and
lead them to act, to participate, to do.”
The new Duty to God program is organized on this principle of
action or doing. Each section is based
on three steps: learn, act and teach.
Learning about something is not enough, we must put the lessons into
action for them to become part of us.
And we need to help our youth to do the same.
Some of us, perhaps most of us, now or in the future will
have to face the challenge of helping a wayward child. Watching a child stray from the strait and
narrow path back to God can be one of life’s most painful experiences.
My own experiences with wayward children have caused me to
consider the sorrow I have caused my Father-in-Heaven with my sins. I am grateful for the atonement of Jesus
Christ and the knowledge that if I repent and return to Him, that he will
rejoice when I do so.
Elder Hales stated, “The greatest missionary work we will
ever do will be in our homes. The
greatest rescue, the greatest activation will be in our homes. Of someone in your family is wandering in
strange paths, you are a rescuer, engaged in the greatest rescue effort the
Church has ever known. There is no
failure except in giving up. It is never
too early or too late to begin. Your
child is Heavenly Father’s child. You
are about His work. He has promised to
gather His children, and He is with you.
“To a small group of mothers, President Monson recently
said, ‘Sometimes we are too quick to judge the effect of our successes and
failures. ‘ “ Elder Hales then said, “May I add, don’t look at today’s trials
as eternal. Heavenly Father does His
work in the long term.”
Brothers and Sisters, may we heed the counsel of Elder Hales
to help our children to understand and believe the gospel through our example,
love and teaching of its doctrine so that, as noted in 3rd Nephi
22:13, “All thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the
peace of thy children.”
